Saturday, November 24, 2007

So Disgusted

There is something that I am doing wrong. There is something that I always seem to be failing at. I'm so lost, so tired and so disgusted. (see, not every post can be upbeat)

Each time my husband and I think we're working things out, I believe its the enemy bringing me one step closer to death. Yes, I have chosen to follow the Lord, that part was easy. But staying in this place. I don't get it. I don't like it. God can't want me to be so disgusted for the rest of my life.

Each time I try to be for my daughter it seems a struggle of war of the minds. It's really tiring. Why is that those that sin get all the breaks and those of us that WANT to do right get all the trials and tribulations. How come our chosing the Lord's way isn't faith enough? How come our trying to be the light isn't faith enough, how come being at church morning noon and night isn't enough.

I'm disgusted. My body is wore out with this trying, with these trials, and pretending I'm still IN LOVE like I was 10 years's not fair, I'm soooooo disgusted. And don't tell me to be patient..I tell other people that.
In the middle of being patient, then what....then what....God is not coming down here on a lightening bolt to pat me on the back and say everything is going to be okay. So now what?

Wait. Just wait...why? Because my pain, my hurts, my tiredness and being disgusted, doesnt' matter. What matter is how close I come to death to build God's kingdom......what I have learned, no matter where you are in life...on God's side or satan's side, it's always about someone else.

So I can have a stroke by keeping quiet and smiling all day or I can have chest pains because when my step mother doesn't listen and my dad is blind and my hair can fall out because my husband and daughter are out for themselves. Why can I go through this? Because it isn't about me. It's about what's good for them.....

Revelation 2:3
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary..

One day I am going to make it to this point in scripture. But right now, I want to vent for the turmoil I am in now. I am tired of being the problem, when I want so bad to be the least to help. And no matter who I talk to, no one can help me. No matter what I want in life from this point, I can't matter what I am disgusted.

Whatever I am doing wrong..........this is where I'll be until the Lord tells me, what my problem is.

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