So Disgusted

There is something that I am doing wrong. There is something that I always seem to be failing at. I'm so lost, so tired and so disgusted. (see, not every post can be upbeat)

Each time my husband and I think we're working things out, I believe its the enemy bringing me one step closer to death. Yes, I have chosen to follow the Lord, that part was easy. But staying in this place. I don't get it. I don't like it. God can't want me to be so disgusted for the rest of my life.

Each time I try to be for my daughter it seems a struggle of war of the minds. It's really tiring. Why is that those that sin get all the breaks and those of us that WANT to do right get all the trials and tribulations. How come our chosing the Lord's way isn't faith enough? How come our trying to be the light isn't faith enough, how come being at church morning noon and night isn't enough.


I'm disgusted. My body is wore out with this trying, with these trials, and pretending I'm still IN LOVE like I was 10 years ago...it's not fair, I'm soooooo disgusted. And don't tell me to be patient..I tell other people that.
In the middle of being patient, then what....then what....God is not coming down here on a lightening bolt to pat me on the back and say everything is going to be okay. So now what?

Wait. Just wait...why? Because my pain, my hurts, my tiredness and being disgusted, doesnt' matter. What matter is how close I come to death to build God's kingdom......what I have learned, no matter where you are in life...on God's side or satan's side, it's always about someone else.

So I can have a stroke by keeping quiet and smiling all day or I can have chest pains because when my step mother doesn't listen and my dad is blind and my hair can fall out because my husband and daughter are out for themselves. Why can I go through this? Because it isn't about me. It's about what's good for them.....

Revelation 2:3
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary..

One day I am going to make it to this point in scripture. But right now, I want to vent for the turmoil I am in now. I am tired of being the problem, when I want so bad to be the solution...at least to help. And no matter who I talk to, no one can help me. No matter what I want in life from this point, I can't have....no matter what I am disgusted.

Whatever I am doing wrong..........this is where I'll be until the Lord tells me, what my problem is.

Always Helping Others

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Don't Give UP

Okay, so I was at Sunday School today and I was so shocked.
Shocked at how the message was for me. I have been saved for awhile(1995); rededicated my life about two years ago. It's been a long time coming!
Anyway, I was in Sunday school and heard the message about God preserving HIS people. Wow! Here I am in the middle of what seems like drama...and every time I want to throw in the towel...I hear a piece of the word that says hang in there.

I'm here to just share, don't give up. Let the spirit speak to you. Let the people of God minister to your heart when you feel you are down to nothing. It's important that you let the Holy Spirit in so you know that God is in everything. That you know HE is preserving you.

Invisible

Most women do the best that they can to make things work.
In a blink of an eye...bills are paid
Lunches made........
Clothes are washed...but still invisible
Who are we to others?
Does it matter........
Who cares?

God is there.....always there.......
You're not invisible...

God will care, love and lead.
HE will give you strength....stand you up....
You're not invisible....